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How to Have a Satisfying Sex Life, Pt II

by Kim Harrington 


     Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19(NKJ)


How to Have Better Sex

     The sexual drive is a major ingredient of the human make-up, and almost everyone dreams of a more exciting, satisfying sex life. Christians, though we often play it down and feel guilty about it, are no exception. Today, with the advent of the internet and pay-per-view television, more and more believers are also seeking to play out their fantasies vicariously through pornography and other biblically forbidden practices that were once out of reach of the average citizen. It's a subject that needs addressing, for the health of the Christian community and our nation as a whole.

     Sex is a gift of God. The command to "be fruitful and multiply" was given before the fall of man, and, along with everything else God had made, declared to be "very good. As we discussed in Part One of this message, it's natural and healthy--and fully sanctioned of God--to be sexually active and to enjoy this exquisite gift He's bestowed upon us. That's right, your sexual desires are not a curse, but a gift, intended to be enjoyed--within the God-given context of marriage. (Again, you might want to reference the first segment of this message to review God's sexual prohibitions.)

     Now we will address the title of our article, "How to Have a Satisfying Sex Life," more directly. First of all, if you want to have a better sex life, observe all the prohibitions listed in Part One. These are the sinful aspects of intimacy, that, although they're accepted by our modern culture and touted as exciting and erotic, nevertheless, sharply reduce sexual satisfaction, and even bring pain and misery into the equation.

     The wild, fun-filled single life, for example, may be played up as an exciting and erotic alternative by the secular media around us--rarely does Hollywood portray romance in the context of a married couple--but a series of short-term partners will never deliver the depth of satisfaction that a long term relationship with one person does. A great lover isn't someone who can seduce and bed as many women as possible, but, rather, someone who can satisfy the same woman all of her life. The same applies to the sexy woman, of course--she is truly sexy who can satisfy her husband beyond the honeymoon and into the golden years of life. Furthermore, a person who romps through an endless series of partners, ends up feeling lonely and used, and ultimately rejected for someone younger and more beautiful. This is not the path that leads to satisfaction.

     What, then, is the way to a better and more satisfying sex life? Try the following guidelines as a starter, then take it from there with your own husband or wife...


1. Renew Your Mind--Develop a Christian View of Love & Marriage

     And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Romans 12:2

     Throw away all the Hollywood stereotypes of what constitutes beauty and attractiveness. I suppose that marriage has become much more difficult since the advent of the silver screen and the television, glamour magazines, and other media that promote the lifestyle and values of the rich and beautiful. Movie scouts scour the nation for the most attractive, vivacious young people to feature in their films, and then present a fairy-tale image of life in their productions. There may indeed be many beautiful men and women in Hollywood, but they are far from the norm... furthermore, they are not as gorgeous as they seem to appear in the films and fold-outs that feature them. They are made-up, posed, presented in the best possible light, and then retouched afterwards in order to be even bigger and better than life. Few husbands or wives can compete against this sort of an image, and nobody should have to. It is a plastic, unrealistic representation--those glamorous, well-developed bodies are usually quite a bit less satisfied in their own sex lives than their promoters would have us believe.

     One young man that worked with me some years ago decided to get specific in prayer about the future wife he hoped to meet and marry. He had it all figured out... she was intelligent, spiritual, a great cook and homemaker, a professional with vision and vitality... and she looked like a Playboy model! He had apparently swallowed the modern caricature of beauty and desirability--hook, line and sinker.

     We need to throw away those stereotypes, and look at beauty the way God does. The ratio of breast, waist and hip measurements is not the determining factor. A person may be very attractive indeed and not fit any of the modern requirements. Standards of beauty vary greatly from culture to culture, and from decade to decade... Marilyn Monroe, supposedly the sexiest woman alive in the 'Fifties, would be sent to Weight Watchers today, and given a trainer to help her develop a little more muscle definition.

     Don't make your spouse compete against the latest Hollywood heart-throbs. Don't compare him or her to anyone at all. It will destroy your sexual satisfaction and his/hers. You must have seen something very desirable and exciting in your husband or wife that made you decide to get married in the first place. Don't act now as though you were settling for second or third-best when you made that decision.

     Focus on your partner's strong points, rather than on his or her shortcomings. Brother, maybe your wife doesn't the long legs of a fashion model, but she has big beautiful eyes--look into those eyes and fall in love again, rather than gazing longingly at a more statuesque babe on the television set. In the last couple of decades the ladies have been taught to size up men in much the way that men have traditionally sized up women--that may be just in some ways (pay-back time for the gents) but it means that many women have become as crass and crude as dirty old men used to be. Get over it. Direct one hundred percent of your sexual attentions towards your spouse--mentally, emotionally, and physically--and get rid of the unrealistic stereotypes of the world around you.


2. Stay in Shape--be as Attractive as Possible for Your Mate

     My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand... His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold...

Song of Solomon 5:10, 14-15 (NIV)

     How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince's daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies.

Song of Solomon 7:1-2(NKJ)

     The word is out, and from no less an authority than National Geographic. In their latest edition (January, 2000) it's "no pecs, no sex"... Men with large chests and narrow waists enjoy distinct reproductive privileges over those who do not take good care of their bodies.  Now your Christian wife isn't all that likely to dump you for the next young "Schwarzenneggar" that walks by, but she's bound to be more attracted to you if you stay fit.

     Some men worry about their natural sexual endowment, something they can do very little about in any case--why not devote your attentions to something that can be addressed by a few minutes of exercise a day, and a minimum amount of will-power (namely the decision to avoid overeating)?

     Do you find good looks to be more of a turn-on than obesity? So does your spouse. This point doesn't contradict the last one, by the way--we're not advocating that slavish obsession that drives young girls to eating disorders, and sizes up every body that strolls down the avenue. We're just saying take care of yourself. God didn't make you to be overweight, huffing and puffing up the stairs, unable to gracefully pull your own weight around.

     Married couples, don't take each other for granted. Take the necessary steps to stay attractive to each other. Ladies, put on a little make-up even if you're staying in today--your husband is worth the effort. Why do we sometimes reserve our worst appearance, and worst behavior, for our immediate family? Men, comb your hair and tuck in that shirt, even at home--it won't kill you... How would you react if some pot-bellied lady with a hairy face and bad breath came up and propositioned you? probably about the same way your wife feels when you start making romantic gestures in that sort of condition.

     I want my wife to be excited about me--I want her to admire my figure, and not have to turn away from my bad breath. I want all the romance and excitement in our relationship we had twenty five years ago, and more. Don't you?


3. Give and You Shall Receive--Prioritize Satisfying Your Spouse

     "And just as you want people to treat you, treat them in the same way."

Luke 6:31(NAS)

     "Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you."

Luke 6:38(NKJ)

     This point is basically the "Golden Rule" in the bed. You want your spouse to satisfy you? Then concentrate on satisfying him or her. Simple rule, but it works like a charm every time.

     Many men habitually offend in this area. They see sex as a release, an instant gratification of their own sexual desires, and they seem to figure that the woman's satisfaction is up to her. If you want to be a good lover, "the fairest of ten thousand" in the eyes of your wife, then learn how to please her, not just yourself. A considerable percentage of married women do not even know what orgasm is because their husbands never took the time to bring them to one. Mister, if you let her find out, you'll never hear any "headache" excuses again!

     Husbands and wives need to get over their inhibitions and start talking freely about what turns them on, what feels good and what doesn't. If you can't share intimate details with your spouse, who can you share them with. The Bible refers to sex as "knowing" each other--it's time to get to know each other intimately if your looking for greater satisfaction in the most intimate of acts that people can engage in.

     If you make the satisfaction of your spouse the priority in your love-making, they will reciprocate, and do their best to satisfy you. It can even become a sort of contest to see who can please the other more--everybody wins in that sort of situation.

     A footnote that perhaps needs to be added here is that satisfaction, is not a matter of natural endowment, either male or female. This subject seems to come up more often nowadays than in times past, and most American men and women are at least a little dissatisfied with their bodies, especially those parts that don't seem large enough.  The fact is, according to every real expert, the issue is a matter of cosmetics, not performance. A woman is very elastic and can actually expand to accommodate the birth of a child--in other words, she adjusts to the size of her spouse, making his size irrelevant. The Shunamite had rather smallish breasts (Song 7:3) but her beloved was no less satisfied with them for that. If your spouse really cares about such things, he or she needs to return to point number one in this message: if we are casting off the Hollywood perception of beauty, how much more should we cast off the porn-industry standards!?


4. Understand the Sexual Differences between Men & Women

     Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain...

Genesis 4:1(NKJ)

     A must-read book for every man is Dr. James Dobsen's "What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women."  In it, he outlines the differences between how men and women view sex, intimacy and other important aspects of marriage.

     To the woman, sex is the natural outgrowth of an intimate, tender relationship. The husband needs to start making love to her early in the day by little gestures of affection and appreciation. Then by evening she will welcome his more amorous advances. She cannot flow easily from working through a hectic day, perhaps complete with a quarrel, to making love. She just doesn't change gears that quickly--and the man has not paid his dues, he has not romanced her sufficiently to make her melt in his arms.

     To a man, sex is almost a physical need like hunger or thirst--and he can feel that need right in the middle of any other pursuit of life. Little preliminaries are needed for him, he can be totally exhausted, but suddenly want to make love as he watches his wife prepare for bed. This appetite-orientation also explains the attraction of some married men to pornography or an adulterous relationship. Men easily divorce the emotional aspects of sex from the physical, and do not need to feel any real affection for a woman to have sex with her.

     Men are aroused by visual stimulation; women respond more to a romantic atmosphere, emotional stimuli, and being tenderly touched. Misunderstanding of these basics can cause conflict in your marriage. As we said in the last point, find out what works for your spouse and do it.


5. Be Adventurous, Experiment, Release Yourself to be Sensuous with Your Spouse--Become an Expert in Sex

     Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

Hebrews 13:4(NKJ)

     A married couple may engage in sex as many as seven thousand times or more in a lifetime. It stands to reason that something that plays such a big part in our life should be done right. Every married person should be an expert on the subject.

     Unfortunately many couples are quite a little bored with their sex life. They've been doing the same old thing for so long that it just doesn't have the zing it used to. They need to get more adventurous, try a little experimentation, find a few new angles on a familiar old subject.

     First of all, you need to take the time to do it right. Don't just grab a five-minute quicky before falling off to sleep. Plan ahead. Talk it over by supper time, if only in disguised language, if the kids are present. Go to bed early, and give yourselves plenty of time to get warmed up and enjoy yourselves.

     Some couples like to schedule a romantic weekend. Start with dinner at a nice restaurant, then retire to the motel room you've rented, and get away from it all for a couple of days. Just the two of you--no kids, no phone calls, nothing to interrupt you. Spend the great majority of the time in your room alone, in bed and get to know each other more intimately.

     If you're running short on ideas, there are plenty of fine books on the market today with suggestions on how to enjoy yourselves even more. (I'm not talking about porn--this cheapens sex, and introduces many ungodly ideas and images that you may need deliverance to finally get over.) Remember, the marriage bed is undefiled, (Heb 13:4) which gives a married couple a great deal of liberty to explore the possibilities of pleasing one another. The Christian couple with a healthy, honest relationship need never grow bored with each other.


     Sex is a gift from God. He didn't have to make it pleasurable, but He did. He loved us and wanted to bless us. He could have made us like animals, driven by instinct, only interested at certain seasons, and then without the ingredient of emotional and mental intimacy. But He gave sex to us for our pleasure and enjoyment, and because of that, as a test of character, as well. As marriage is a type of our relationship with Christ (Eph 5), so sex itself may very well be a type of some aspect of our relationship with God that will not be realized until we are in glory with Him. So controlling our sexual urges, learning to love someone unselfishly, and remaining faithful actually prepares us for a deeper, more meaningful intimacy with our Lord in the life to come. It's an awesome thing to consider, from start to finish. Let's take it seriously, avoid the pitfalls, and enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed.


Copyright 2000, Kim Harrington, Masterbuilder Ministries. All rights reserved.


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